How You Love Is How You Lead

Most people think leadership is shaped in boardrooms. For me, it was shaped in a moment I didn’t fully appreciate at the time. Years ago, before I became an executive, I was leading a project and focused on execution. I wanted to prove myself, so I did what I thought great leaders did. I moved fast, focused on being efficient and achieving results.

But I remember feeling frustrated in meetings. Because instead of getting straight to the point, the Vice Presidnet I was working with wanted conversation because that's how he built connection, and I viewed that as unnecessary.

He told me something that stayed with me, "If you don’t change how you interact with people, you’ll always be seen as a workhorse… not a leader." At the time, I didn’t fully appreciate it, because in my mind, I was doing what needed to be done. But I never forgot what he said. It stayed with me and over time, I came to understand what it meant. What I saw as efficiency, others experienced as disconnection.

The Leadership Lesson I Didn’t See Coming

That realization, along with learning frameworks like DISC, changed how I lead to this day. DISC is a behavioral assessment that helps you understand how people naturally communicate, make decisions, and respond to their environment. It breaks down personality styles into four core types:Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness.

And what it helped me understand was something I hadn’t fully grasped before: Not everyone communicates the same.Not everyone processes the same.Not everyone needs the same thing from you. Leadership isn’t about treating everyone the same. It’s about meeting people where they are.

But what surprised me most was that this lesson didn’t just apply to leadership. It applied to love.

How This Shows Up in Relationships

In relationships, we often do the same thing. We expect people to: Communicate like us, process like us and to express emotion like us. And when they don’t…we misread them. We assume disinterest, question intent, and internalize behavior that may have nothing to do with us.

But what I’ve learned is this: What looks like disconnection… is often a difference in communication. And without understanding that, we miss each other.

The Deeper Question

That’s what led me to a question I now sit with regularly: Are you loving from a healed place… or a protective place? Because how you love has a direct impact on how you lead. If you’re operating from protection, you may:

• Guard instead of communicate

• Control instead of connect

• React instead of respond

If you’re operating from a healed place, you lead with:

• Awareness

• Intention

• Emotional intelligence

The Code

Here’s what this experience ultimately taught me:

• Efficiency without connection limits your leadership

• Understanding people requires self-awareness first

• Love and leadership are not separate… they are reflections of the same patterns

And most importantly: You don’t become a better leader without becoming more aware of how you show up in relationships.

Final Reflection

What’s one piece of feedback you received that didn’t land at the time, but ultimately changed your perspective or how you show up today?

Because sometimes the lessons that challenge us in the moment…are the very ones that shape us over time.

Be sure to catch Episode 5, What Love Taught Me About Leadership on The Reinvention Code podcast, and please share your thoughts with me.

Peace and blessings,

Dorinda